If They Were Movies: The Teams of March Madness

March Madness, the frenzied tournament to find the best in college basketball, has begun. If you’re into college basketball there’s a good chance that you filled out one or more brackets with friends, family, coworkers, or even strangers. But if you’re not into college basketball, you might feel a little left out from all the fun.

To make the tournament more enjoyable, we decided to have a little fun by imagining what a few of the teams would be like if they were turned into movies. That is, if you were going to the movies and saw “Wofford,” what do you think it would be about?

Some of these, like Ole Miss, were ripe for imagination, while others, like UNI, weren’t quite as easy. Whether you have a bracket or not, we hope that you’ll enjoy these imaginative back stories. For those of you who didn’t have a clue who you were choosing in your bracket, feel free to superimpose these narratives on your choices.

Manhattan – A club of well-heeled socialites puts aside the cocktails and investment banking for a shot at the ultimate title: hoops at the top of the Empire State building.

Hampton – After diagnosis of an incurable disease in her legs, a girl makes a pact with her housekeeper to become the first female head accountant of the NBA.

Ole Miss – It’s southern, it’s old-fashioned, and it’s doing it’s best to be politically correct, but don’t hold your breath. A high school team heads to the championship, fueled by the dinners cooked by a mysterious elderly lady.

NC State – A group of determined professors devises the world’s largest water tower only to realize a fatal design flaw. Arguments grow heated when an industrialist offers nine figures for the tower.

BYU – A boy who has never heard of the school declines his admission, and instead plays ice-ketball in the wilderness of Alaska. He meets a trapper, Jeff Daniels, who might have once been a BYU chancellor.

Kentucky – Hogs, bourbon, corn mash and George Clooney unite to say very little about basketball, but quite a lot about bluegrass. A young girl dreams of playing basketball but is forced to become a makeup artist instead. She likes it.

Purdue – Student engineers discover a breakthrough in catapult technology, but are halted when the school band refuses to provide music for the egging of the provost’s house. A power struggle ensues.

Cincinnati – Disconsolate Bengal fans take up crocheting instead, positively energizing a community and revolutionizing the ethical manufacture of clothing in the country. Kevin Spacey plays the union boss.

West Virginia – An arctic freeze turns the state into the premium skiing destination for the world’s elite. Class tensions surface when those operating the lifts realize that people make jokes about West Virginia.

Buffalo – A volcanic eruption in Montana releases an eruption of buffalo who have lived below the country for a century and now outnumber the human population.

Valparaiso – Survivors of a global catastrophe have no choice but to take to the seas in search of a mythical island that controls the earth’s weather.

Maryland – A boisterous factory worker in China hears of a place where tacos cost an entire day’s wages. Accepting a dare, she embarks with the boss’s parka and dress shoes.

Butler – The manservant to a spoiled headmaster at a private school slowly teaches himself enough calculus to challenge his employer at the end of year ball, and earns the respect (or more?) of the headmaster’s wife.

Texas – Two cowboys take turns shooting at a snake as the sun goes down. They talk about their pickup trucks and the intrusion of kale and other trendy vegetables into taco salad.

Northeastern – Wearied of hearing about the “Pacific Northwest” a group of marketers hatch plans to make their region the fast food super capital of the world.

Notre Dame – A priest watches the film Rudy and decides to pursue puppetry. All goes well until his YouTube channel sends him far more fame than he bargained for.

Indiana – The origin story of Indiana Jones goes awry when his parents leave their son in hospital care for 72 hours.

Wichita State – The 51^st state admitted to the U.S. becomes a haven for the occult and dark magic.

North Carolina – Tobacco and cartoon drawing go hand-in-hand at a private club for newly arrived librarians.

New Mexico St. – A grand rebuild of the Alamo happens in the wrong state thanks to the scheming political ambitions of the memorial’s congressman.

Kansas – A grand epic centered around agriculture, homesteading and puppy farms in the 1830s. Adam Sandler goes mute for six months in preparation for his starring role.

Wisconsin – A network of cheesemakers realizes that they can bring the French cheese market to its knees, but only if their leader, the governor’s daughter, returns from studying abroad in time.

Coastal Carolina – The Wright Brothers turns out to be a cover name for an entire family of engineers working in the outer banks. Who really deserves credit for the birth of the fabled first flight?

Oklahoma St. – A shopkeeper’s boy stays awake all night building popsicle stick replicas of the seven wonders of the world. With a photographer’s help, he sends the photos to his architect idol, and waits for a reply.

Duke – A new strain of lavender gives cancer survivors the ability to pass on their immunity, but only once. Who they choose becomes the subject of an international media sensation.

Wofford – Terriers abound in this dialogue-free comedy centered around the famous animals. One dog shows himself to be more than a punchline during a sudden forest fire.

That’s all, folks. Sure, it was silly. But for those of us who don’t know the players, teams, rivalries, or expectations, why not indulge in some stories of our own? At the very least, we hope to combat the cliché of the “cinderella story” by showing that there are many more stories than that—you just have to make them.

Enjoy the tournament and best of luck in your bracket.